Stuck in a space I been trying to depart for years. Mentally and physically- it is as if all the work I have done has been for nothing. Often times I feel that the guardians, spirit guides, and archangels have betrayed me. How does one work so hard and have nothing to show for it? Life can’t be created to be used as flesh, put through trials, feel abandoned, then forced to die while wondering what the next step is beyond the grave. To be forced to question death from birth. To feel like the bravest of souls and most knowing are those that have the courage, rather than confidence in a better place to follow through with suicide.
There are moments in life when you can become so exhausted from fighting that you stop asking, “How do I get through this?”
And you start asking:
“Why am I still here?”
This poem came from one of the darkest places I have ever found myself in.
It came from feeling stuck in a space I had been trying to leave for years—mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I had done the work.
I had tried to heal.
I had tried to grow.
I had tried to understand myself.
I had tried to become a better version of who I was.
And yet, there were moments when I looked around at my life and wondered:
What do I actually have to show for all of this?
That question can become dangerous when you’re exhausted enough.
Because when you’ve spent years trying to climb out of the same hole, eventually you may begin wondering whether you’re actually climbing—or simply exhausting yourself against the walls.
When You Feel Betrayed By What You Believe In
One of the most painful parts of this experience was feeling spiritually abandoned.
I questioned the guardians, spirit guides, and archangels I believed were supposed to be watching over me.
I wondered:
“Where are you?”
“Why haven’t you helped me?”
“How much more am I supposed to endure?”
Sometimes spiritual people are afraid to admit that they have moments like this.
We’re taught to trust.
We’re taught to have faith.
We’re taught that everything happens for a reason.
But what happens when you’re hurting so badly that you don’t understand the reason anymore?
What happens when your prayers feel like they’re disappearing into silence?
What happens when you have spent years trying to become stronger and somehow still feel completely defeated?
Those questions don’t necessarily mean you have lost your spirituality.
Sometimes they mean you’re exhausted.
Sometimes faith doesn’t disappear.
Sometimes you simply don’t have the energy left to understand what you’re experiencing.
The Question I Couldn’t Escape
The darkest part of the poem is the question surrounding death.
From childhood, many of us are taught that death is something inevitable that eventually comes for everyone.
But imagine being someone who spends years questioning life itself.
Why are we born?
Why do we suffer?
Why do we experience trauma?
Why do some people spend their lives trying to survive things they never asked for?
Why does existence sometimes feel like being placed inside a body, thrown into circumstances beyond your control, forced to endure trials, and then expected to simply keep going?
When you’re already hurting, those philosophical questions can become incredibly heavy.
And eventually, the mind can begin searching for an escape.
That’s where this poem came from.
Not from a desire to glorify death.
Not from a belief that suicide is the answer.
But from the frightening place where pain can become so overwhelming that death starts looking like an answer to questions life hasn’t answered.
And there is an important difference between those two things.
Sometimes You Don’t Want To Die—You Want The Pain To Stop
I believe this is something we need to talk about more honestly.
There are moments when someone says they want to die, but underneath those words may be:
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I don’t want to feel trapped anymore.
I don’t want to keep fighting the same battle.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and experience another version of this.
I need something to change.
That doesn’t make the pain any less serious.
It makes it more important that someone listens.
Sometimes the person who appears to have the most strength is the person quietly falling apart.
Sometimes the person encouraging everyone else is struggling to find a reason to encourage themselves.
Sometimes the person everyone calls resilient is simply exhausted from having no choice but to survive.
You Are Allowed To Admit That You’re Tired
One of the greatest lessons I have taken from dark seasons is that strength doesn’t always look like fighting.
Sometimes strength is saying:
“I need help.”
Sometimes strength looks like crying.
Sometimes strength looks like stepping away.
Sometimes strength looks like admitting that the path you’re on isn’t working.
Sometimes strength is allowing someone else to sit beside you while you don’t have the words.
And sometimes strength is simply surviving another night.
You don’t have to pretend everything is okay because you’re spiritual.
You don’t have to pretend you’re happy because you’ve healed before.
You don’t have to perform strength for everyone around you.
You are human.
And humans have breaking points.
Maybe The Next Step Isn’t The One You Expected
One of the lines in my poem asks what comes next beyond the grave.
But maybe there is another question worth asking first:
What comes next if I stay?
What conversation haven’t you had yet?
What place haven’t you seen?
What version of yourself haven’t you met?
What relationship hasn’t entered your life?
What dream hasn’t been given an opportunity?
What part of your story hasn’t been written?
When you’re standing in the middle of darkness, you can’t always see the next chapter.
But not seeing the next chapter doesn’t mean there isn’t one.
Sometimes you don’t need to figure out your entire life.
You just need to make it through this moment.
Then the next one.
Then the next.
To The Person Who Feels Like They Have Nothing To Show For Their Struggle
If that’s you, hear me clearly:
Your survival is not nothing.
The fact that you’re still here means something.
Every lesson you’ve learned means something.
Every boundary you’ve created means something.
Every time you got back up means something.
Every version of yourself you had to bury so that you could grow means something.
You may not have the external evidence you expected.
You may not be where you thought you’d be.
You may look at your life and feel like all your work produced nothing.
But don’t confuse being unfinished with being a failure.
You are still becoming.
And sometimes the darkest season isn’t proof that your work was pointless.
Sometimes it’s proof that there is still work left to do—but you shouldn’t have to do that work alone.
If This Poem Sounds Like You
Please don’t suffer silently.
Tell somebody.
Call somebody.
Sit beside somebody.
Reach out before the darkness convinces you that nobody cares.
There can be another version of you waiting on the other side of this moment.
Stay.
Not because life is always beautiful.
Not because everything happens for a reason.
Not because you’re supposed to be strong.
Stay because you deserve the opportunity to discover what happens when the story changes.
Relax your mind, it’s all in Divine Time. Keep growing. Keep healing. Keep protecting your peace. Join the Warriors of Love community and subscribe to the Divine Time YouTube channel for more conversations centered around authenticity, self-growth, love, and spiritual awareness.
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@danli_divine?si=dDtZwawylOrWAyaS
Divine time 