The other day, I had another one of those deep conversations with my mom. You know the kind—the conversations that stick with you long after they’re over because they force you to see something differently.
We talked about a phrase many of us have heard our entire lives:
“Be the bigger person.”
At first glance, it sounds noble. It sounds mature. It sounds like the right thing to do.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that sometimes people use that phrase to convince someone who has been repeatedly hurt to continue accepting behavior they should have walked away from a long time ago.
Think about it.
How many times have you seen someone get disrespected, lied to, manipulated, or taken advantage of, only for people around them to say:
“Just be the bigger person.”
Rarely do those same people put that responsibility on the person causing the damage.
Instead, the burden gets placed on the person who has already been carrying enough.
That conversation with my mom helped me realize something important:
If I keep finding myself being wronged by the same people over and over, eventually I have to ask myself what role I’m playing in allowing it.
Not because I caused their behavior.
Not because I deserved it.
But because I kept giving chances after people showed me exactly who they were.
I was teaching people that there would be no consequences for disrespecting me.
I was teaching people that they could cross boundaries and still have access to my energy.
I was teaching people that apologies without change were enough.
And the truth is, they weren’t.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in life is that love does not require unlimited access.
You can love someone and still protect yourself from them.
You can forgive someone and still refuse to give them another opportunity to hurt you.
You can wish someone well and never allow them back into your life.
That isn’t hate.
That’s self-respect.
At some point, I stopped asking myself why people were treating me a certain way and started asking why I was continuing to allow it.
The answer was simple:
I kept hoping they would become who I believed they could be instead of accepting who they were showing me they currently are.
Once I accepted that reality, everything changed.
I stopped allowing certain people around my energy.
I stopped volunteering for cycles that never ended.
I stopped negotiating my peace.
Because here’s the reality:
I love me more than they value me.
That may sound harsh to some people, but it’s the truth.
Why should I continue sacrificing my mental health, emotional well-being, and peace for people who repeatedly show me they don’t value those things?
Why should I continue participating in a cycle that has already proven itself insane?
The answer is simple:
I shouldn’t.
The only way someone can regain access to my life is through change.
Not promises.
Not excuses.
Not victim stories.
Not blame shifting.
Change.
Consistent actions.
Accountability.
Growth.
Unfortunately, people who choose to be victims in every situation rarely make those changes because growth requires accountability, and accountability requires looking in the mirror.
Many people would rather blame everyone else than face themselves.
And that’s their choice.
Just like protecting my peace is mine.
If someone never gains access to my energy again, it isn’t because I’m bitter.
It isn’t because I’m angry.
It isn’t because I refuse to forgive.
It’s because they refused to grow.
And that’s a consequence of their choices—not mine.
So if you’re reading this and you’ve been told to “be the bigger person,” ask yourself this:
Are you being the bigger person?
Or are you simply being taught to tolerate behavior that should have consequences?
Sometimes being the bigger person doesn’t mean staying.
Sometimes it means leaving.
Sometimes it means protecting your peace.
Sometimes it means finally choosing yourself.
And there is nothing selfish about that.
There is wisdom in it.
There is healing in it.
And there is freedom in it.
Relax your mind, it’s all in Divine Time. Keep growing. Keep healing. Keep protecting your peace. Join the Warriors of Love community and subscribe to the Divine Time YouTube channel for more conversations centered around authenticity, self-growth, love, and spiritual awareness.
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@danli_divine?si=dDtZwawylOrWAyaS
Divine time 