Nightmares to realizations

Sitting awake in the bed at 430am I am forced to deal with my past and remember the Night I was taken advantage of. I am not sure if it was the constant waking up with my equilibrium feeling like it was shifting that had me remembering laying on her bed, then waking up to that dark colored rag covering my genitals and Lisa wiping me. Her voice replaying like a broken record in my head saying we had sex. Then the room goes red and she twists into a being that I have never seen before. Something that startles me and causes me to wake up just as my daughter is screaming and Anaiah gets out of bed to grab her and bring her to our bed. Now I am in bed with my daughter next to me, me startled and thinking that I still have this energy inside me. Not wanting to be by my family while being haunted and tormented by something so evil. I get up and take my best friend kovu out to use the bathroom and turn it into a little stroll down the street. Upon my return to the room, I still feel disgusted so I am ending this with words to inform you of why I am crying in the shower. The thoughts of this make me feel so weak…I think I am good until it somehow comes into my head again…how did I allow all this to happen to my family. Not even just me but to both the women in my household…and to them…under the roof that they are supposed to be able to call a safe space. I feel like that is the true reason why I feel like less of a man in this family. I have proven that I can’t protect, that I can’t make the right decisions…I have proven that I am not anything a man should be. To this I must say good bye and farewell to Alcohol completely. My ties are not to her…but the memories that resurface when Alcohol hits my body. I can’t even drink in the comfort of my own space anymore.